The Akatsuki Get Sued
by Bleeping Bloop
Summary: The ninja of Akatsuki are getting sued! Who is brave enough to do that? Pure and utter crack. Do not take seriously! Rated T for everyone's favorite Jashinist.
1. Chapter 1

The Akatsuki are the most feared criminals in the ninja world. Ruthless, cold blooded, monsters are nice ways to describe them. They roam the lands killing for their own selfish needs, not sparing anyone who opposes them. Here are their stories.

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FWD: FWD: Judge

BC: Akatsuki leader

To Whom It May Concern,

The Akatsuki, like most evil organization, have an evil lair. Due to contracts made prior, I am not allowed to disclose where, the important thing is they have one. This hideout isn't like your typical lair with giant lasers, death traps, prisoners, and solar death rays. It was more of a huge apartment, with a shared bathroom, kitchen and living room. They had a meeting room where, presumably evil happened, but no-one knows for sure. Like an apartment building the tenants don't like each other. Actually, it is more borderline hatred for each other. Tobi, arguably the nicest member, nearly escaping death everyday is just normal. Be it from explosions, black flames, various weapons, or just plain paper. Tobi is the weakling of the elite organization, causing the mentally insane "boy" to become more cracked. One person can bare Tobi; evening calling him a good boy (which just added on to the insults) but that niceness is short lived and is usually followed by a mean remark. Tobi is usually seen wandering around the base helping in every way he can, and always with a smile.

Then there is Hidan, the literal punching bag. Did you learn a new justsu? Oh test it out on Hidan he's immortal, he won't mind! Hahaha wrong! Shrills of pain escape his lips as his body gets ravaged by his 'comrades'. Usually he ends up without a few limbs and the attacker is too excited that they completed their jutsu to notice they left poor Hidan alone in the dark, usually for weeks. He stays like this until someone discovers him, drags him to Kakuzu, and gets himself fixed. This constant cycle of abuse is continuously repeated and has shown no signs of stopping. Whenever he can briefly escape the abuse by going on missions the death threats are multiplied and even carried out. As if to tag-team with the physical abuse, his religion gets scoffed at every moment someone can muster. The leader even refused to let him off Mabon! Which is a very important holiday all Jashinists must practice.

Finally, there is Deidara who suffers from verbal abuse. From being called brat, fag, girl or pussy he's had it worse than your mom jokes. Besides having to deal with this trauma, he gets his gender questioned everyday. And why? Because he likes to wear his hair long. Yep that's it. He is being harassed for his freedom of expression and that goes against his Jashin given rights! He is a true artist who is slowly breaking inside. That is why theses outcasts of outcasts came to me, Phoenix Wright ace attorney and are suing their comrades for "being meanies to Tobi", "being cock sucking assholes" and "calling me a girl, un." Usually I don't take these types of cases put something just made me tear up at their sad stories.

Sincerely,

Phoenix Wright, Fey & Co. Law Offices

Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi :)

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Disclaimer: Don't own Akatsuki (Masashi Kishimoto) or Phoenix Wright (Capcom)

A note from me: Well, you liking it so far? How about the Phoenix Wright element? Too weird? Should I cut it? It's not meant to play a huge part (hence why it's not a cross over) I just did it for the lulz. I won't know unless you review. ~ Anonymous reviews are on~ The button is right there. Do it ya pansies!


	2. Chapter 2

In regards to Zetsu:

**Black half**

White Half

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_I can do this_, Phoenix thought to himself. He was waiting outside the Akatsuki lair and nervously gripped the judge's letter in his hand. He told Maya to wait in the car and keep it running. He sighed and rang the door bell. Some yelling was heard on the other side and Phoenix took a step back, ready to run. The door slowly open and his heart stopped for a second. It returned back to a regular pace when the one who answered the door was just some teenage kid with a dango stick hanging out of his mouth. "Is your leader here," Phoenix asked in a childish voice which earned him a glare from the raven-haired teen.

"Hn," he responded and walked away. He left the door open and Phoenix didn't know if it was an invitation to come in or not. Instead he decided to peek in. He saw Deidara and gave him a wave. Deidara froze in place and ran off. When he returned to sight he had Hidan and Tobi with him. Hidan turned slightly more pale. Tobi stood on his toes and gave Phoenix a wave, which he returned. Deidara pulled both men by the collars and out the back door. As Phoenix reached his head in further, a cold hand pushed him back.

"May I help you," a piecred man asked with a stern look.

"Oh hello," Phoenix said nervously. "Im Phoenix Wright, ace attorney."

"Ah! So I see you are applying to be an Akatsuki. Well you certainly are evil enough, come inside. How do you feel about rings?"

"No, I'm not applying."

"Are you sure? You seem more evil than most of the other members."

"Yeah I'm sure."

"Please? The Akatsuki are pathetic! I try to find the scariest S-class criminals across the land and we still get made fun of! We need someone to strike terror into hearts so we can't be in any crappy crack fan fictions."

"Sorry. I'm just here to deliver this letter." Phoenix said handing the pleading man a white envelope.

"What's this," Pein asked but Phoenix was long gone. Pein tugged a painted nail into the envelope and started reading.

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"Tobi! Deidara! Hidan!" Pein hollered.

"On it", Zetsu said sinking into the ground.

"What did they do now," Kakuzu asked, walking into the chaos.

"They're suing us!" Pein exclaimed giving Kakuzu the letter he received. He quickly read them over.

"What an idiot." he said calmly, too calmly. "Kisame help me beat some fucking sense into that little bitch."

"Agreed, I saw them sneak outside when I answered the door." Kisame smiled and followed Kakuzu outside. "Itachi, take Sasori out of his room, and find Deidara.."

"Hn," He replied, walking up to Sasori's room.

"Konan," Pein called. "Find a good lawyer. We're going to court."

"Tobi! Deidara! Hidan!"

"Tobi's coming," Tobi called back to Pein's echoing voice.

"Shut up you retard!" Hidan snapped while Deidara pulled Tobi back into the bushes.

"I told you this was a bad idea," Deidara snapped. "They're going to kill us before we even get a chance to go to court, yeah."

"Not if we stick to the fucking plan we all agreed on! Soon I'll be running this circus and you can get your fucking freedom back."

"Oh Tobi," an ominous voice called. "Do you want some ice cream?"

Deidara slapped a hand over Tobi mouth before he had time to answer. Deidara's tongue was bitten and he pulled his hand away.

"Awe senpai was trying to kiss Tobi! But you have to buy Tobi dinner first."

"Fucking queers..."

"Shut up! I wasn't trying to kiss him those things move by themselves, un!"

"Yay! Tobi sees Zetsu coming!"

"Shit. Okay split up I'm not going to get caught with you useless pair of tits," Hidan insulted, jumping out of the bush.

"Don't get caught, un." Deidara said following Hidan.

"**Come on Tobi** we -**he-** won't hurt you," Zetsu called, getting into Tobi's range of vision.

"You won't?" Tobi innocently asked.

"**Yeah just come out** and we can get some ice cream, you've been such a good boy."

"Really? But senpai said not to get caught."

"**Just come with us you bastard**. He's over there." Zetsu looked up at Tobi and saw him resting on a tree."

Sorry, but Tobi has to listen to senpai." he said speeding off.

"**Well there's no point going after him**. Because he's the fastest member? **You took the words out of my mouth**. It's my mouth too. **Mostly mine**. No mine."

"Who is Zetsu arguing with?" Kisame asked.

"This way," Kakuzu said ignoring the blue guy.

"How can you tell?"

"That idiot brought his scythe." Kakuzu stated pointing at a giant line in the ground.

"Oh."

"Shit," Hidan said under his breath as he reached the outskirts of a hidden ninja village. "If I go that way I get captured, if I go back I get caught. Damn. Hey Jashin how 'bout a sign or something?" The Heavens opened up and a ray of light shone towards the right. "Thanks Jashin!" Hidan praised, looking up at the sky. "I'll make sure to sacrifice extra virgins for you my dark lord", he yelled to a cloud as he crashed into a huge boulder. "What the fuck Jashin? No virgins for you!" He sat on the ground and rubbed his head. "Oww my head. Huh?" He asked as he heard people's voice coming from the forest.

Deidara sped off through the trees, trying to get far away from his former comrades. He turned around and saw two ninja following him, throwing various weapons. "Great," he mumbled as he turned around to face his opponents.

Not being one to act irrationally, Hidan threw his scythe at the voices. When he felt it snag something he pulled back hard. "Yes! I caught a wild Hiroku," Hidan exclaimed as an eight-bit sound track played. "I'll call you Smiles." Itachi calmly walked out after Hiroku. "Quick Smiles use splash attack!"

"Shut up you idiot." Hiroku said pulling the scythe from his back with his metal tail. "Are you going to come quietly or is Itachi going to make you experience seventy two hours as a scientologist?"

"You piss cups think you can take me? Come on I'll take you both!" Hidan shouted ripping off his cloak.

"You idiot!" Hidan quickly turned around to see Kakuzu flying at him. He dodged and managed to start a formation of a cuss with his lips until Kakuzu's severed hand choked him. His body came after and made contact with Hidan's. He sat on top of him nailing punch after punch. Kakuzu ripped off both of Hidan's arms and threw them behind himself. Kakuzu threw his knee into Hidan's hips, shattering the bone. He got up and swung Hidan around by his legs until they broke apart from his torso. Kakuzu then threw those in the general direction of Hidan's arms and ran to where Hidan's torso was flying so he could catch it, with a roundhouse kick. It flew and landed on his own arms. Kakuzu walked over to the three other members who just watched with horror.

"That was brutal, even for me." Kisame said. The other two nodded in agreement.

"Can we eat him?" Zetsu asked, crawling from the ground.

"I'm not done yet," Kakuzu stated.

"Did you catch anyone," Sasori asked.

"**No. Tobi ran away**, like a bad boy."

"So all we got is him?"

"It seems like it."

"How are we going to get the other two?" Kisame asked. "Deidara's probably long gone, seeing as he has those stupid birds."

"No he ran out of clay earlier this morning making breakfast," Itachi reminded.

"What about Tobi," Sasori asked.

"He'll show up eventually. Kisame and myself are going to drag this worthless pile of shit to Pein. Good luck." Kakuzu said, dragging Hidan by his hair making sure to hit all the rocks along the path.

"Oh Kisame, do you mind taking Hiroku with you? He needs some repairs," Sasori asked, climbing out of his puppet.

"Sure," Kisame said soon following Kakuzu.

"How are we going find Deidara," Zetsu asked. The group shuffled around trying to think of a good way to capture the bomber. They were quiet for a good minute when Sasori groaned," uggh you know how I hate to be kept waiting. Here's my plan..."

Sasori watched as Zetsu worked his latest invention. His two halves worked in harmony building and pounding the raw material together. "Yeah Zetsu, put it there," Sasori commanded.

"Where's Itachi?"

"I tied him to that tree over there so he wouldn't get lost."

"What tree," they both asked.

"That one," Sasori said pointing to nothing. "Ummm. Let's go find him."

"Right" the Zetsus said running ahead of Sasori.

Deidara stood over the two dead ninja and looked through their belongings. "Nothing...some stars...money. Damn no exploding clay. People should always have that with them, un." He walked away from the two dead bodies and suddenly stopped. "Shoot which way was I going. This way? Yeah!" He ran off then he saw a clearing with a fallen tree. Under it he saw his favorite raven-haired friend face down. "Well, well. If it isn't the great Uchiha prodigy." Itachi glared at him the best he could with his face full of dirt. "I don't see your little shark anywhere, un. How bout some revenge? Take this, un!" Deidara yelled sticking his hand into Itachi's ear. "Wet willy no jutsu!" Itachi let out a small yelp but refused to give in to Deidara's sick revenge. He felt the wet tongues circling around his inner ear. "Not so tough without your eyes, yeah?" As he was pushing his tongues in farther, he was abruptly cut off by Sasori's stomach cable finding its way around his loud mouth. One half of Zetsu was lifting the tree off of Itachi and the white half held him close.

"It's okay no more mouths."

"...so many tongues..."

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Note from the me: Thanks for the reviews and favorites, they make me smile and helps inflate my huge ego. Tell me how I can improve, I know I can. Anonymous reviews are **on**.


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